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Kahani Puri Filmi Hai - 1
Ever since my last attempt at proving to my pet cat Kitty Cat that human beings are more intelligent than cats in which I had successfully proved that cats are not as hardworking as human beings, I was looking for another opportunity to prove again that human beings are more intelligent than cats. Last week I found that opportunity. It was Kitty Cats birthday and I came up with an idea to prove my point. The plan was simple. I would tell Kitty Cat that there would be a birthday party in our house on that evening and that I would be bringing some cakes for the occasion. But following her technique, instead of actually going to the shop and buying any cakes, I would simply download some images of cakes from the internet and show it to her. After seeing the tempting images of the cakes, Kitty Cat would start feeling hungry and would finally ask me for a real cake. I would then tell her that I will give a real cake only if she gives me in writing that human beings are more intelligent than cats. Seeing that there is no choice Kitty Cat would give it to me in writing and thus I will have proof from Kitty Cat herself that cats are not as intelligent as human beings. Also to have some witnesses for this occasion, I asked her to invite one or two of her friends to our house on that evening. Kitty Cat agreed to this and so I started searching the net for some images of cakes.
By the time it was evening on the actual day of Kitty Cats birthday, I had downloaded some good images of cakes from the net. As I heard some scratching on the door, I knew it was Kitty Cat and opened the door, but was shocked to see that she had invited her entire gang of friends for the party. There was Greedi Cat, Lalchi Cat, Sniffy Dog, Lazeee Dog (they had brought him on a stretcher because he refused to get up from his sleep to walk to my house), Chatty Cat, Naughty Cat, Filmi Cat, her cousins Badeee Cat and Chhoti Cat and even the dreaded gangster Chhota Billi (I never knew Kitty Cat even had gangsters as friends). Last but not the least was their gang leader Mani Mao (also known as Wagha Chi Mao Shi in her native country Japan) who always keeps preaching her gang members that cats are more intelligent than human beings.
Before they could enter the house, Sniffy Dog asked them to wait outside and came in and made a round of my entire house sniffing every item to make sure that there were no explosives or drugs hidden in my house. (See how dutiful he is ....). After he gave the green signal, everyone entered the house looking forward to enjoy the party.
Before they could settle down, Chhota Billi stopped them and took out his claws and asked each one of them to give him his installment. To make sure that he was the original Chhota Billi, Sniffy went and sniffed at his nose. But Chhota Billi thought that Sniffy Dog didnt have any money and hence was paying him respect, so he let him go without taking any installment. Seeing this, everyone else also went and sniffed at him and he let everyone go without taking any installment. (See how soft hearted he is ....). Finally it was my turn. I too decided to follow suit and simply touched his tiny nose with the tip of my index finger to indicate that I was paying him respect. But by this time, he had realized that something was wrong and that everyone was making a fool of him. So he quickly caught my index finger between his tiny teeth and wouldnt let it go till I paid the installment. Seeing there was no escape, I took out some fake plastic currency notes and kept it in front of him. This seemed to satisfy him and he was about to release my finger, but suddenly someone shouted from behind that the notes were fake ( I guess it was Mani Mao...). Hearing this, Chhota Billi now caught hold of two of my fingers in his teeth and I finally had to give him some real money to free my fingers (See how dangerous he is ....)
Finally everyone settled down on the carpet and before eating the cake (which I believe they were thinking that I had actually bought), they decided to have some fun by playing games. Instead of playing the usual games like dumb charades and Antakshari, Filmi Cat suggested that they play a new game and asked me whether I could be a judge for that game. I readily agreed because till that time I didnt know that the definition of a judge is different in the pet world than it is in the human world. Unlike the human world where a judge is supposed to keep scores of the participants and announce the winner, in the pet world, a judge was a person who would make arrangements for all that would be required by the participants during the game. The game was similar to Passing the Ball in which each participants would pass a ball to each other while some music was playing in the background. And when the music stopped, the cat who would have the ball with him/her would say some memorable dialogues or enact scenes from Indian Cinema. Everyone agreed and thus I was first asked to bring the ball and make arrangements for playing and stopping the music.
As they sat round in a circle, I started the music and they started passing the ball. When the music first stopped, the ball was with Chatty Cat so it was his turn to start a filmi scene. After thinking for a while, Chatty Cat asked me to bring a tray with some CDs in it. When I did so, he put it on his head and started walking around the room shouting सॉफ्टवेअर ले लो सॉफ्टवेअर
नये नये सॉफ्टवेअर
.. After a while, Kitty Cat stopped him and there was the following exchange of dialogues between them :
Kitty Cat : ओ सॉफ्टवेअर वाले भैया, ये सॉफ्टवेअर कैसे दिए ?
Chatty Cat : सबकी अलग अलग कीमत है मेमसाब, कौनसा चाहिए बोलिये ?
So saying, he lowered the tray of CDs from his head and Kitty Cat started browsing the CDs reading what was written on them. As she was browsing the CDs, out of curiosity she asked वैसे लाते कहाँ से हो रोज इतने सॉफ्टवेअर ?"
Chatty Cat : वो एक वेबसाइट है - www.uselessdownloads.com - वहीं से डाउनलोड करता हूँ..
Suddenly Kitty Cat seemed to find something familiar on one CD and showing it to Chatty Cat asked ये सॉफ्टवेअर कितने को दिया ?
Chatty Cat : ये ? पचास हज़ार
Kitty Cat : अच्छा ? करता क्या है ये सॉफ्टवेअर ?
Chatty Cat : कुछ नही करता
. हर घंटे में दो बार क्रॅश होता है
Kitty Cat : अच्छा ? तो मुझे इसके दो CDs दे दो
So Chatty Cat gave her the 2 CDs and after taking the payment, started to leave. But before leaving, he said बुरा मत मानना किटी कॅट, लेकिन तुम्हे सौदा करना बिल्कुल नही आता
Kitty Cat : क्यूँ ?
Chatty Cat : अगर तुम ये सॉफ्टवेअर मुझसे आधी कीमत में माँगती, तो भी मैं तुम्हे दे देता
Kitty Cat : सौदा तो तुम्हे करना नही आता, Chatty Cat
अगर तुम मुझसे इस सॉफ्टवेअर की दुगनी कीमत माँगते तो भी मैं तुम्हे दे देती
Chatty Cat : अच्छा ? ऐसी क्या खास बात है इस सॉफ्टवेअर में ?
Kitty Cat : जब ये सॉफ्टवेअर बन रहा था, तब मेरे मास्टर ने इसमे कोडिंग की थी.. और आज ये सॉफ्टवेअर मैं अपने मास्टर को तोहफे में देने जा रही हूँ
(I am still trying to figure out whether that was a compliment or a sarcastic remark from Kitty Cat for me
)
After Kitty Cat and Chatty Cat returned to their seats, I started the music and the ball was rolling again. When the music stopped, the ball was on Lazee Dogs head who was as usual sleeping. So the others tried to wake him up to play the game, but as usual he recited his usual dialogue सोने दे ना
मुझे थोड़ी ये खेल खेल के Olympics में जाना है.. घर की रखवाली ही तो करनी है
सोने दे ना
(See how dutiful he is
.)
Skipping him, the game continued. This time, the ball was with Greedi Cat when the music stopped. After thinking for a while, Greedi Cat called up Badeee Cat to enact a scene. In the scene, Badeee Cat had become a philosophical mother who is always teaching Hindi Filmi philosophy to Greedi Cat, her son in the scene.
Greedi Cat : माँ
मुझे बहुत जोरो की भूक लगी है
Badeee Cat : बेटा, जल्दी से हाथ मुँह धो लो
मैने तुम्हारे लिए तुम्हारे पसन्द का गाजर का हलवा बनाया है
Greedi Cat : सच ? वो तो मुझे बहुत पसन्द है
Badeee Cat then brings a box that has a picture of jalebis on it. Seeing the box, Greedi Cat screams in delight.
Greedi Cat : जलेबी ???? लेकिन माँ, तुमने तो कहा था की गाजर का हलवा बनाया है...
Badeee Cat : बेटा, शेक्सपियर ने कहा है ना की नाम में क्या रखा है... गुलाब को किसी और नाम से पुकारो तो भी वो गुलाब ही रहता है... उसकी खुशबू कम नही होती... और वैसे भी ये सब अपने हाथ में थोड़ी होता है बेटा .... हम सब तो ज़िंदगी के रंगमंच की कठपुतलियाँ है जिनकी डोर उपरवाले के हाथ में बंधी हुई है... वो अपनी उंगलियो से कब किसको कैसे नचाएगा ये कोई नही बता सकता ...
Greedi Cat : कोई बात नही माँ... मुझे जलेबी भी बहुत पसंद है...
Badeee Cat : लेकिन बेटा, जरा संभालके खाना
नही तो पेट खराब हो जाएगा
Greedi Cat : तुम फिकिर मत करो माँ
मैं एक एक जलेबी चुन चुन के खाऊँगा
और ये जलेबी खाने से मुझे दुनिया की कोई भी ताकत नही रोक सकती...
Badeee Cat : बेटा, ये सब अपने हाथ में थोड़ी होता है
इन्सान लाख चाहे भी तो क्या होता है
वही होता है जो मंजूरे खुदा होता है
So saying, Badeee Cat opens the cover of the jalebi box and Greedi finds that instead of jalebis, there are rasagullas inside. He again screams in delight.
Greedi Cat : रोशोगुल्ला ??? ये तो मुझे बहुत पसंद है... ई तो ओमार खूब भालो बोशी
So here is now a short quiz for all bloggers. After having read the above conversation, what do you think Greedi Cat likes the most ?
A) Gajar ka Halwa
B) Jalebi
C) Rasagulla
(सोचते रह जाओगे......)
The game resumed as I started the music again and this time the ball was with Filmi Cat when the music stopped. After thinking it over, Filmi Cat called Chota Billi and they enacted the popular scene from the old movie Deewar. In this scene, Chhota Billi played the role of a Don and Filmi Cat played the role of his brother who is an Imaandar Police Afsar.
Chhota Billi : जानते हो फिल्मी, मैने तुम्हे मिलने के लिए यहाँ किसलिए बुलाया है ?
Filmi Cat : मेरे घर आना तुम्हारी शान के खिलाफ है .... तुम्हारे घर आना मेरे उसूलों के खिलाफ है
जाहिर है हम कहीं और ही मिल सकते थे...
Chhota Billi : नही...कहीं और नही....हम सिर्फ यहीं मिल सकते थे ... क्यूँकि इसी फूटपाथ पे बचपन में हमने कई रातें एक साथ गुजारी है
आज हम एक दूसरे से कितने ही अलग क्यूँ ना हुए हो.. हमारे बचपन एक दूसरे से कभी अलग नही हो सकते
... लेकिन इससे पहले की मैं कुछ कहूँ, मैं ये जानना चाहता हूँ की आज मुझे सुनने वाला कौन है
एक भाई या एक पुलिस अफसर ?
Filmi Cat : जब तक एक भाई बोलेगा, एक भाई सुनेगा... जब एक मुजरिम बोलेगा, एक पुलिस अफसर सुनेगा...
Chhota Billi : फिल्मी, तुम नही जानते ये पुलिस की नौकरी करके तुमने कितनी बड़ी मुसीबत मोल ली है...
Filmi Cat : मुजरिम भाई का भेस बदलके बोल रहा है ??
Chhota Billi : तुम नही जानते फिल्मी, तुमने किन लोगों को अपना दुश्मन बना लिया है
Filmi Cat : सच्चाई के रास्ते पे चलने वाले अंजाम की पर्वा नही किया करते...
Chhota Billi : लेकिन जिस रास्ते पे तुम चल रहे हो उसका अंजाम बुरा भी सकता है...
Filmi Cat : जिस रास्ते पे मैं चल रहा हूँ, उसका अंजाम शायद बुरा भी हो सकता है... लेकिन जिस रास्ते पे तुम चल रहे हो, उसका अंजाम बुरा ही होता है मेरे भाई
Chhota Billi : फिल्मी, मेरी बात मान लो... तुम ये शहर छोड़कर कहीं दूर चले जाओ... अपना ट्रान्स्फर कहीं और करवा लो..
Filmi Cat : मेरे उसूल, मेरे आदर्श मुझे इस बात की इजाजत नही देते
Chhota Billi (getting angry) : उफ्फ ये तुम्हारे उसूल, तुम्हारे आदर्श... किस काम के हैं ये ?? तुम्हारे इन उसूलों को मिलाके एक वक़्त की रोटी नही बनाई जा सकती
जिन आदर्शों की तुम बात कर रहे हो, उन आदर्शों ने तुम्हे दिया ही क्या है ?? महीना दो सौ रुपये की पुलिस की नौकरी... रहने के लिए किराए का एक क्वॉर्टर
ड्यूटी के लिए एक जीप ? इधर देखो... ये वहीं मैं हूँ और ये वहीं तुम हो... हम दोनो एक साथ इस फूटपाथ पे बड़े हुए... लेकिन आज मैं कहाँ पहुँच गया और तुम कहाँ रह गये
आज मेरे पास रुपैया है, बंगला है, गाड़ी है, बॅंक बॅलन्स है
क्या है तुम्हारे पास ????
Filmi Cat (pointing to me) : मेरे पास
.. मास्टर है
(Now I understand why the word 'Copycat' came into use ......)
The game resumed. So far, Chhoti Cat hadn't got a chance to say anything, so this time, when the ball was with her, instead of passing it to the next participant kept it with her and getting up, herself stopped the music which indicated that it was her turn to say some dialogues. Grabbing this self created opportunity, Chhoti Cat immediately put her Tongue Express in motion and started in HemaMalini-in-Sholay style : "यूँ तो छोटी को फिजूल की बातें करने की आदत तो है नही, लेकिन अब जब बॉल हमारे पास आ ही गया है तो हम भी थोड़ा बहुत कुछ कह देते है... यूँ तो सोचनेवाली बात ये है की हमारा नाम छोटी क्यूँ रखा गया है ?? क्यूँकि मैं ज़िंदगी भर तो छोटी नही रहने वाली... एक दिन तो मैं बड़ी दीदी की तरह बड़ी होने वाली हूँ... तो मेरा नाम बड़ी कॅट क्यूँ नही रखा.... और सोचनेवाली बात तो ये भी है की बड़ी दीदी का नाम बड़ी क्यूँ रखा है... छोटी क्यूँ नही ?? ... क्यूँकि वो भी तो एक दिन मेरी तरह छोटी थी........ वैसे तो छोटी को फिजूल की बातें करने की आदत तो है नही, लेकिन देखनेवाली बात ये भी है की यहाँ पर अभी तक हमसे किसी ने पूछा ही नही की हमारा नाम क्या है ??"
I looked around to see if anyone would ask Chhoti her name, but everyone had started yawning, so to make Chhoti happy, I asked her in BigB-in-Sholay style "तुम्हारा नाम क्या है छोटी कॅट ?"
Chhoti seemed to be a bit upset by this oversmart question from me and replied "यूँ तो छोटी अपना नाम किसी को बताती नही, लेकिन आप इतना पूँछ ही रहे हैं तो मैं सब को बता देती हूँ की मेरा नाम छोटी कॅट है..."
The rest of the participants had fallen asleep by now, so to make Chhoti feel that someone was listening to her, I said "पहली बार सुना ये नाम..."
Chhoti Cat again got upset by this oversmart and unasked for remark from me and continued "यूँ तो मुझे फिजूल की बातें करने की आदत तो है नही लेकिन बताने वाली बात ये भी है की हालाकी मेरा नाम छोटी कॅट है, लोग मुझे चुटकी के नाम से भी बुलाते हैं... पूछिए क्यूँ ?"
I again looked around to see if anyone was interested in asking this question, but the sleeping participants had now started snoring, so I being a responsible judge in order to make Chhoti feel happy asked her "लोग तुम्हे चुटकी क्यूँ बुलाते हैं, छोटी ?"
Chhoti was again upset to hear this oversmart question from me and replied "यूँ तो छोटी ये राज किसीको बताती नही, लेकिन आप इतना पूँछ ही रहे हैं तो मैं सब को बता देती हूँ की वो इसलिए की मेरा कोई भी काम एक चुटकी में हो जाता है... अब पिछले साल की ही बात ले लो... जब मैं बिल्ली कुमार की फिल्म 'Catwalk' के प्रिमियर में गयी थी तो मैने चुटकी बजाके बिल्ली कुमार से 20 ओटोग्राफ ले लिए थे.. वो तो उसके बाद बिल्ली कुमार ने चुटकी बजाई और चार बदतमीज़ बिल्लियों ने मुझे घसीट के थियेटर के बाहर निकाला इसलिए... वरना मैं तो बिल्ली कुमार के ओटोग्राफ की सिल्वर ज्युबिली ही करने वाली थी ..."
To make Choti feel that I was sorry to hear this, I said "बहुत बुरा हुआ... लेकिन कोई बात नही... तुम चाहो तो बचे हुए पाँच ओटोग्राफ्स मुझसे ले लो..." Choti was again upset to hear this oversmart suggestion from me and replied "यूँ तो बताने वाली बात ये भी है की मेरा नाम छोटी ज़रूर है, लेकिन मैं अकल से छोटी नही हूँ... किससे ओटोग्राफ लेना चाहिए और किससे नही लेना चाहिए इतनी समझ है मुझमे... और समझने वाली बात तो ये भी है... " Sensing that Choti was in no mood to stop, I took the ball from Chhoti and threw it to the next participant and started the music which awakened all the sleeping participants (except Lazeee Dog).
(contd ....)
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